The Big "What If"

I'm struggling, thinking what would've happen if I stayed in our home country. Sacrifice the opportunities given to me by my hard worker parents and continue living in the Philippines. Just for the fact that all my friends and the love of my life is there waiting for me, wanting me to be with them if possible. Isn't that selfish? For me to abandon my parents hard work, for them and for him to think and wish that way.
Like I explained in the 4th Break up, all of our splits are because of distance. 1st and 2nd are because of different colleges while 3rd and 4th are different countries with different time zones. It's like life saying, let's take it up a notch. Life. Stupid and wonderful life, or love.

These four breakups does include a 3rd party; or should I say 4 parties T_T. And yes, it's not on my side. It's like before breaking up, I can smell it's not me and I go through his accounts and read all their conversations with his friends regarding those girls. You decide if it's cheating or not but technically, No because nothing happened between him and them. Or at least that's what I know and choose to believe. I can never trust our guy 'friends' again. What I read usually is he likes those girls, not seriously yet because we were together but you know how someone can make you second look, I think that's what he means that he's interested in those girls. Still, it hurts for me that he's interested in others when I'm an adventurer my self. Or what I want to be. Point is, is he gonna be interested in those girls if I'm with him physically. Like we see and be together like 'other couples' routine. That's what he said, he's jealous of others planning and being together after work and going on dates physically together.

Is he still going to be with me and the situation will be different? Or he'll still be tired of us and give up. Honestly, I don't know. Part of me knows him enough that I know he'll be with me. Because I know he loves me, he truly does. He really did and cared for me, but he's just too weak because of the distance. 
I learned, from breaking up many times with the same person, that when you do NOT force to not love that person anymore, it's easier. Let the love flow, let yourself cry (which I don't do that anymore because it's freaking 4th time lol), be angry about the situation but don't tell yourself the opposite of what you really feel. Don't force and try to fight back if you still love them because the truth is, you still do. What will help you is that you're calm with the fact that you love your Ex but have something to be angry about. Or else you'll sob everyday and beg for them to come back.

What if in the future, I go home and decide to stay even if we're not together, does he still love me? Does he care if I go home even once in a while for vacation, or are we truly done?
This is freaking hard. All I know is that we can't be together anymore if there's physical distance between us. I also know that I'll always love him and he will always love me but I'm stronger than him that's why our relationship is always ending.
Now it's kicking in. The fact that we're not together anymore, the fact that we might not be together again anymore for sure. Because we're both tired of fighting for this relationship if there's freaking distance. I'm tired, He's tired. But we love each other. This sucks.

I went into his Instagram today, not intentionally, just a hobby before when we're together. I did not look at his Instagram or anything of his after we broke up. I don't do Facebook since 20th of last month and not planning to anytime soon aside from posting pictures. On his IG: I saw my picture. The one that he posted on my birthday. He did not took it down. I was.. I don't know. I teared up. I remember his love and passionate care for me. What if. I go home and stay with him.
He's studying for his exam soon and after that he'll be on the ocean again since that's his career. It doesn't make sense if I go home right? So, I don't know.
What if.


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