Love =\= Happiness

I was talking to my best friend about my current status with my man. I told her, I don't think I'm happy anymore. And let me tell you, this is a big deal. All these years, every time we are about to break up or just having conversation, when I'm being asked if I'm happy with him, no  doubt I'll say upfront Yes. Nowadays, I can't. It's been happening, or I've been thinking about this for months. I love Najee with all my heart and yes I will be happy if we are together. He's still the man I want to marry and grow old together with. But, as of now.. I'm not happy.
My best friend Ziel has never felt love. Or maybe she did and just didn't tell me but she never had a boyfriend. She both knew Najee and me from the beginning of our relationship. When I was telling her yesterday that I don't think I'm happy anymore, she said follow my heart. If it's really me and him, we'll see. Important part is I'm happy. Then she followed it by 'If you love him, you should be happy". I'm like, Hell no. You can't make it the same thing. It's not an equal feeling. I told her No, you don't get it. It doesn't work that way. Especially when you're not in the same position as we are. She understood and said well I don't have any experience anyway. We're okay, my best friend and I but I was surprised how ignorant it sounds. Just because that's what you thought does not mean that's how it is.

Now, I don't know what to do. I can't force myself to be happy just for our future. I keep focusing on what's ahead of us since we know our future together we'll be awesome. Then I forget myself in the present. I don't have a life. Any life. Because in my mind, I'm going to earn and we'll be together soon yet I don't even know if I'll live long enough. There are so many times that I feel like I'm never the priority. When we're talking he's watching TV, cooking, cleaning, whatever it is and never focuses on me. Unlike me, I go straight to my room just to talk to him. Damn. Am I needy? Too clingy? Let me remind you, we're on a freaking Long Distance relationship.
Today is our 'monthsary'. Most of the time we don't make such a big deal out of it but we say it to each other.. Happy 10th. Last night when he was sleeping and I'm here at work, I sent him a short video saying Happy 10th. When he woke up, he didn't say anything back. In the middle of the day from the Philippines, I asked 'No Greetings?', he didn't answer and talked about another topic. When I wake this morning, I told him, again, No Greeting? He said Happy 10th! It was my third time saying that and he finally greeted us. I just said, I need to go to work now, Bye. I hang up. He texted and called I didn't answer.
What should I do now? I'm not happy anymore. Yet it kills me to think that we're not going to be together in the future. I keep telling myself, if we are physically together, there's no problem. But we need to face the freaking fact that we are not together. And from all this time that I tell him, is it always going to be like this, I'm your last priority? And he forgot our monthsary? Which is so strange since a day before he keeps saying how time flies another monthsary so I don't know if he did it on purpose or just plain stupidity.

Maybe I can ask him if he's just want to be friends, because I can't deal with no expectations, no future plans and being the last resort. I don't want to feel being taking for granted anymore. Even though he keeps saying he's trying he's best due to busy schedule, I don't know if I can hold on any longer.
So please, never think or say if you love a person you should be happy. Because I would die for Najee, I would leave my parents for him (of course with their approval) because they know I'm happy when I'm with him. I love him then, now and possibly in the future still even if we are broken up.
This is the first time that I'm saying I'm not happy. I know it'll kill me, but we'll see. 


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