When to push what you want and when to let it go.

It's been 11 years since my husband and I confessed to each other and we were in high school at that time. I was thinking of writing time flies fast but sometimes it just feels as is. Meaning, yeah it's been a while yet all that happened, we felt it all 100%. No part of our relationship slipped through our ways. It entered our story and we digested it up until now. Not that I'm complaining, it's more of sharing. Everyday I wake up next to my love and thank the heavens above of my situation.
Now let's go to why I'm writing this post. We have lots of common interests. Obviously why we started dating in the first place and were friends before that. Movies, series, activities, etc. whatever you can think of we can share a certain interest but not all of it. For example, last night we watched The Hangover in Netflix without him asking me, not that he needs to but I'm like okay this movie again. Yes, I know it's funny and I hate watching Allan (more like love to hate him). Last week we finished Part 4 of Money Heist in one sitting and we ended sleeping almost 0300 because we had to work all day first before indulging on the series for 8 full episodes which we successfully we did. If you ask me, maybe I'd say okay let's do the other half tomorrow because our body clock will be messed up. But no questions asked and we finished it anyway and that weekend my head was aching due to that staying up until 0300.
Yesterday, I was so passionate about starting a podcast. My husband hates making videos with me, which was another argument we have because I love making them even though I'm not at editing, I just love doing them as a hobby. I accepted it because I don't want to force him to do something he hates even it's for me. So moving on, I only vlog our travels quietly and add music. Then one time he asked what podcast is and showed a little interest of doing it with me and I jumped right away of excitement and said then we can add more people later on so we have more opinions and perspective of whatever topic we choose to discuss. Weeks passed, maybe months and I was thinking about this podcast of ours and every time I ask him he kind of says no, like maybe.. Then I decided I'm going to buy a microphone and researched on how to start one, made the site like the first picture and made the logo with our faces and wrote the description. 

Around lunch I told him, we're going to do it. You're going to answer questions whether you like it or not. He was shaking his head I think? Point is, he declines what I said. He felt my disappointment, he tried to comfort me but good thing he had a meeting so he got to stop. I continue my day by working out and crying while doing it thinking how come when I want to do something or even bring up any ideas it's always disgusting to him or just straight up no before even trying? Lunch came up, I kept my cool. I thought to return the mic I already bought hours before then after thinking more, I said we're going to do it no matter what at least once. So after I finished the site with our picture and description, I proudly showed it to him. First thing he said 'HOW WE SURVIVE WHAT?' with freaking disgust on his face. I freaking lost it and stopped everything and just teared up. Couldn't cry since we were on Facetime with my parents. I felt so damn stupid wasting my time reading, researching, thinking if we start doing this, not only we have something to do while not working and have more conversations as a couple to know more about each other. I don't see any disadvantage of us trying this out except the fact that when he apologizes to me because I keep being depressed when he says no is that he's shy.
I can't force him. And if he does do it with me, I would never feel that his genuinely into it and just doing it for the sake of me. I still fully feel disappointed that we always do or watch what he likes while if I even suggest of what Im interested in doing, it's freaking stupid. Am I stupid? There was even a time I thought if my own husband does not take me seriously, how can anybody will? I already feel that at work, sucks to also feel that at home. Or maybe I, myself does not take myself seriously. My hobbies, this blog, social media... that I'm just a sick joke that nobody not even him wants to play, talk or interact with.
Nobody reads this blog of mine but if somebody does, thank you for listening to my rant. I also missed my scheduled Wednesday post because I have no motivation. Last picture above is when I downloaded a bunch of games and though since this quarantine is going to be longer than we all thought, we might play games to pass time and such. I deleted all the games this morning. Not only I feel hella childish, I feel like I don't have one bone in my body that's interesting enough. My apologies for posting such negativity during this crisis but I need to let it out. I ain't got one friend I can talk to about this. And if I do tell my husband, he's going to feel bad and think he's a bad husband when in reality he's awesome everyday. Maybe I'm just clingy? So I'm going to start al least try to let this go. I will return the microphone I purchased and just keep playing games in PS4 that he never play with me.
Please stay indoors and be careful when buying essentials.


Nathalie said…
Oh, I know just how you feel. I also have a blog which I'm 99% sure nobody but me reads, but it's good for venting out at times. Lol. Sometimes I feel like that because of my husband too. Men. Tsk.
Marecar Anne said…
Oh my! Thank you for reading! I am so happy someone can relate to me. Yes, having a blog is such a releaser. Can't really talk to any of my friends about it. If you need someone to talk to, hit me up whenever just to vent :)
Instagram: marecaranne
Nathalie said…
I followed you on IG. :) Thanks for visiting my blog as well!

Yeah, it's a (kinda) unique situation we got ourselves into. Hence, not a lot of people who can relate. Good thing there's the good ole internet so we can find or stumble upon others who are on the same boat.
Marecar Anne said…
I know. The frustrations and the jumping up and down once we got any type of news. All worth it :) Hope your family is all safe with what's happening with the world!

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