The struggle of finding balance to spoil people, and be responsible for your freaking finances is draining. I cannot continue living like we're the richest of all millennial couples who live in the bay area. Expectation sucks. Conversation between two people who should've been for four is wrong. Lesson learned the hard way. What's worse is this will keep happening for another 6 weeks. Not sure if I can do the everyday routine without snapping proudly. I should be. In my own home. But nope. Respect all the time. Even though I feel being disrespected. Why should I have to listen to ancient beliefs and ways that no longer works? Why is it so wrong for our age to be 'woke' and accepted things that should've been accepted decades ago? Why do I feel like a prisoner, being milked for money? Why are my weekends feel more like 'fake days' that divides between let me be freaking productive, let me freaking rest, let me freaking play, let me spend my money how I want to, and not be freaking pressured to take care of three people financially? If I ask for help, I 'm the weak one. If I don't, I have so much pride. If I say something, I'm disrespectful. If I rant to my friends, I sound like a broken record. If I ask for an hour for myself, I abandon my partner for some reason. Where the f*ck do I go. What the f*ck do I do. I'm giving everything that I can and more. More than I care for myself. And yet, it seems that I'm the spoiled *ss woman who receives servings of food that are home made. I miss the time when I get high and don't give a damn about others' judgement. Watch what I want, when I want, how I want. Laugh loudly, talk sh*t, f*ck whenever. This is hard. Damn it's hard.
It's Sunday morning and I'm writing this as I can't throw away a gift card that has $0.15 in it. It's a waste and yet I feel like it's real money because it is especially now that I feel drowned. And of course, the partner wants to buy something for himself which he respectfully deserves as its his own money but he gotta help the struggling wife. Then I feel bad about it because it's like I'm stopping he's only income of happiness due to stress at work. Bro, I just wanted to sit at my living room without any person in my peripheral vision. But no, my partner 'needs' me to be in our bedroom so I can be close to him. I feel suffocated. Yes, that might be an exaggeration. If it was my way? F*ck, I want to leave my own home for a bit just so I can freaking breathe.
Hope you have a better weekend.
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